The need To Nest

I’m not sure how to start writing, so I just broke off another piece of pita bread and started eating and staring out into nothing again. I woke up this morning at the camp, went back to Rum village, and now I’m back by myself for the whole day. Well,, there’s a Polish couple and their 2 year old and Farris here as well. But I’ve nested myself inside one of the big tents with all the blanket and mattresses I could find. I’ve made it big so I can lay on it in any direction. Once set up, I’ve proceeded to eat all the treats I bought for the day: 3 cookies and a 7Up and a pita bread. I’ve got about 4 bites left and then I’ll have no excuse for keeping all my thoughts inside. It’s 9 AM.

I think I’ve reached an annoying layer of silt inside myself. Coming here, to the desert, to a strange, timeless environment, seemed like an easy ticket to inspire change in me. And, by my previous blog entries, you might think that I have, but suddenly, I’m hitting this sludge of cravings, desires and boredom. I want to watch a movie. I want to take a bath and sit on a toilet seat and have a real shower. I want to be entertained without having to participate. I want new clothes. Ugh. The worst of it are all the random thoughts in my head. I’ve got some kind of monologue running all the time, trying to find a handhold and get out of my ego. Sometimes, I have to force myself to stop and look around. Be here now.

But somehow, I don’t think I’m stepping backwards. I think I’m just hitting one of those detox phases you go through when you’re changing. All the old thoughts are trying to save themselves. So today, I’ve made this cocoon. I’m gonna write in it, nap in it, read in it and see what happens. No one around to pull me out. I’m just going to let it do it’s thing. So, I’ll see you all later.

..I don’t know how long I slept, but everyone else is napping too. Farris is just lying curled up in the sand next to the kitchen and the Polish family is all quiet in their tent. Knowing they are asleep makes me feel at peace. I often feel a pressure to do something, even here in Wadi Rum. But seeing everyone else chillin out is very soothing. I woke up still feeling clogged with thoughts, though, but after walking around outside, I’m getting some clarity.

I’ve never really organized anything before in my life. I can’t even bring myself to throw parties. Here I am contemplating setting up a scholarship program for girl students of Rum to go to college. I’m excited about the idea, but then that busy mind starts rolling and I outtalk myself into confusion. Same goes for most plans. It’s more clear to me out here what I need to do. I need to meditate. I think meditation will show me that my life is simple and I can accomplish anything as long as I’m grounded. And also, I need to make sure I set boundaries. These past few days, I’ve been talking to people nonstop and this doesn’t work for me. Ok, then, enough talking. I’m going to go sit on a butte and let the air clear my head some more. See you later, nest… oops, I forgot to put on suntan lotion. Ok, bye.

I’m back after 20 minutes. I had a realization. I’m sleepy. Too tired for big revelations. I can hear the Polish dad snoring. I’m gonna go back to sleep….

It’s 3PM now and I’m still in my mound of blankets and mats. I just stepped out for a small glass of sweet tea. I drank it sitting on a stump outside the kitchen shack, staring again into nothing. The wind is blowing a bit. My head is quieting and I’m able to hear the silence of the desert again. Feeling more a part of everything. Feeling calm.